Fragile And Alone
I had one of those nights where the darkness of the night made me feel fragile.
My baby who is no longer a baby or even the weight of a baby got sick next to me in bed. As a mom I don’t sleep very deep. I sleep fast but wake for any little noise. I knew what was coming, I could hear the motions happening and I knew knew I had to react quick. I tried to save the situation by picking him up and running him to anything where I could easily wash what ever was coming, but before I made it to the bath which was the closest the bed, my entire body, the poor kid on the floor next to me (who by the way I did not hear arrive at during the night) and the path towards the bath was covered in vomit. It’s one of those moments where you realise solo parenting is not for the faint.
Alone in the dark night, feeling fragile now myself I had to attend to a situation alone that was not part of my plans for the night.
We got dressed in fresh pajamas after we washed. I cleaned thé bed, the kid in thé floor, the bath, the floor and put him back to bed. I carried on cleaning and scrubbing, trying to avoid a bad situation in the morning. After I started the wash machine I had a glass of water, ran my fingers through my hair and looked at the time for the first time.
I Am Mom
I got back into bed after checking up on everyone and realized I myself don’t feel one hundred percent. My tummy now felt fragile and the night seemed interrupted by something I felt I couldn’t shake. Maybe it was the mixed smell of cleaning products and vomit in the air that made me feel sick but I felt really fragile.
Alone, away from my man (not that he would have cleaned anything but he would have been there for me, giggling while probably getting sick himself, he can’t handle vomit) I now realised once again I’m no longer the child but the adult. The mom. The one who takes care of everyone and everything. For some reason I didn’t fall back to sleep immediately, instead I was lying there tossing and turning, wondering how solo parents do this their entire lives.
God Sees You
I just want to say to every solo parent out there, for whatever reason you find yourself as a solo parent. Whether it is permanent or just for a couple of days. Whether you are a dad or a mom.
It’s tough. It’s already a big job for two parents, so if you are alone the job is gigantic. I see you. God sees you. You are doing an awesome job. Keep doing what you are doing, because eventually it will make a difference. Eventually it will count. It might feel like you are always struggling alone, but one day your love, dedication, dark nights, lonely moments and hard work will pay off. Those dark nights, the struggles, the exhaustion and the sometimes loneliness will eventually count for something. When you feel tired and discouraged take those five minutes, page through a magazine, hide in the bathroom, make an unhealthy meal that’s quick and easy, have a day where all you do is just watch movies, and remember to look after yourself too. A parent can only be as good as they feel themselves and if there’s no one to take over from you ever, you can easily be warn down and find yourself feeling isolated and alone covered with exhaustion and anxiety. It’s ok to let go sometimes. It’s ok to rest. It’s ok to just do nothing some days. It’s ok to be tired. It’s ok to not always be ok. It’s ok to loose your ducks every now and again. God sees you. He won’t ever leave you and He is so proud of the awesome job you are doing.
So eventually at 2:09am I decided to force myself to bed, I knew I needed the sleep as the night was young and anything could happen. I turned the light out and placed my entire fragile being in Gods hands knowing and understanding that I am nothing without Him. I can’t do any of this parenting stuff without him. With those thoughts I closed my eyes and went back to sleep missing my husband or even just his presence during a dark lonely night for about ten minutes before the next child came running for the toilet at 2:24am.