Heartbroken Victory

It was a very sad day in our house today! I was doing homework with my girl while it all happened! 
I have to cover one of her books, and with each book they get a picture to color in, I was sitting at my desk where my computer sits on while I was coloring this picture. My other daughter came into the room, she wanted to go play school school and asked for paper. While she was waiting for me she sort of held on the desk and jumped up and down while leaning on it. Before I knew it the table broke and I saw my baby (computer) fall in slow motion all the way to the ground! On her face! 
First I screamed no!!!!! Again NO!!! Then I burst into tears! I just cried…. And with that all the other kids came in and before I knew it all my kids were crying! Accept the baby, he seemed pretty happy that the table he always wanted to sit on is finally down! 
I kinda had to pull my act together very quickly to get them all to stop crying. It was so hard! I know it’s only a computer but it was this one thing in the house that was actually mine. They take over everything but this one thing I actually managed to keep too myself and now that is gone. 
Obviously after the tears comes the anger but I really felt like I had to watch what I say to my daughter because obviously this little 5 year old was devastated and got the fright of her life! I mean it’s mommies computer!! So although I told her it’s because they don’t listen and furniture is not a jungle gym, I left it at that and said I know it was not done on purpose and accidents happen. I have to admit it was hard! Inside I was doing back flip! 
It really took control over my day and for the rest of the day I felt angry sad. If there is such a thing. I kept asking myself but why? It’s just a computer, and I have insurance. Why does it feel like I lost so much more? 
And it hits me, I am finally mourning everything else I have lost because of the little people, even my long hot baths. I am finally crying about never finding anything I am looking for, never having a black marker, always have empty toilet rolls when I’m on the toilet, eating cold food, sharing my chocolate, I’m mourning my old soaps on TV, late nights and late mornings, I’m finally crying about everything else that’s not mine anymore but use to be. 
Suddenly my thoughts of loss were replaced with 4 kids cuddling me, 4 kids absolutely adoring me and loving me unconditionally and I realized with shame that it really is only a computer….. Not from Mars but from here and it is replaceable + I have insurance and it will be okay. Everything is really just going to be okay! 
They take over our lives and they take over everything inside our lives but they are worth it. I put my head down with shame and ask for forgiveness. I am not sorry for the way I behaved because I really managed to keep everything in and contained myself pretty well, even if I must say so myself but the stuff that was going through my mind was not pretty šŸ™ˆ
So now that I had a chance to mourn the old me, I guess I should look at the bright side and look forward! God helped me today to control my tongue and in my book that is a huge victory. 
I mean it was only “MY COMPUTER!” 
šŸ˜¢šŸ’”

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