I am thankful for becoming a mom
We struggled for three years, for some it seems long and for others, not so much. We all have a story. Our struggle was real. After not falling pregnant within the first six months, I knew something was wrong. Being the “control freak” that I was back then, I found it really hard to not have a baby as I planned. I am a planner, and I planned everything. Up until that point all my plans went accordingly and this was a real “shocker” to my system.
Once I realized we needed help we went to the “professional guys” in Bryanston (Medfem Clinic) and eventually to Bloemfontein (Femspes). It was good, they found the problem and I had five inplants over a period of 20 months. (Not IVF, I went for Insemination) All five times failed.
I was in a dark place, sad and confused. Maybe even angry, I couldn’t understand why me? Why this? I always dreamed of having a big family (as I planned) and now this was happening to me. Just before my last and final inplant in October 2008 I went for my final laparoscopic operation and believed with my whole heart and soul the next inplant was going to work. It didn’t, and that left me heart broken. I was finished and in a way didn’t want to carry on trying. All the hormonal treatments and stuff was killing me.(On an emotional level) Thankfully it was the end of the year and we had a trip planned abroad. It was good, the timing was perfect and it took a ton of weight off my shoulders and I felt ready for 2009. (to fall pregnant)
We got home from our trip and my friend who has been by my side since age nine (she wasn’t married at the time) told me that she had fallen pregnant. Off cause I was happy for her, but this was my final straw, it broke me. I remember spending hours on the bathroom floor that night, literally fighting with God, trying to understand and why He was keeping this one thing from me. That night I felt a heavy weight lift off my shoulders and I knew I was done. I was done with doctors and treatments. I was done waiting. I was done planning a life to have a family, and I found some kind of peace on that bathroom floor after hours of crying and fighting and begging. For the first time in so many months I felt free, I could breath again.
My husband was relieved I’m sure as our marriage took a lot of strain during these difficult years. I needed a new car as I was in a car accident the day I found out my last inplant did not work, I don’t know, let’s just say my mind wasn’t on the road, my car was a write off. It wasn’t long after my bathroom experience that I drove a brand new red little Mini Cooper S. (I figured if I’m not having kids, I might as well drive what I want.) All this happened in January and I was one month into the new year, free as a bird with my new toy, Scarlet. (I name my cars)
I realised I was late towards the end of the month but I actually had no real clue. On the 3rd of February I went for a blood test, just to make sure. I remember my husband and I drove around for an hour, waiting for the call. We wanted to be together. I mean I felt fine, what were the chances anyway. I had plan a new life now. (Again planning) When the call came, he answered and when he said in a soft shaky voice, “so she is”…..well just thinking about that specific moment makes me want to cry.
I was going to be a mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ask me today, and I honestly still don’t understand it, but who are we to understand the works of the Lord anyway. This long and hard journey made me realise one thing, and I would realise it five more times in less than five years. God gives life. He is the only one that decides when it is time, and if it is time through IVF then it will be, but if it is not His time, then it won’t be. Life and death….. it’s not for us to decide or to plan.
I am thankful for being a mom and grateful that God has given me His greatest gifts.