Broken, But I See You!
I’ve decided to take a week and pause. After the dresses I needed this. Sometimes I need this more than other times. This “quiet time” in my life is when God reveals truths to me that sometimes I’m just not ready for.
Really, the end is here.
My first day of pause, my first day of being still and it hits me. It gets placed on my path that something has come to an end. An era. A dream. A passion.
The question remains: Is it really the end?
God has been preparing me for this but little did I know it would come to such an abrupt end as it did. I mean I figured it would have gone down much simpler and smoother. I choose not to fight it and I choose to be obedient and trust, but it really doesn’t make things easier. It really doesn’t take away my heart sore.
The planning to the end, the plan to finish strong with an impact has turned into an emotional roller coaster. Every step towards the end is breaking my heart little bit by little bit and I’ve actually shed tears.
What will it then be like on the actual final day? Especially if I’m already crying!
I’m constantly coping then dealing, then coping then dealing with all the mixed emotions and feelings.
At the same time I’m planning a farewell. Something that sadly I know wouldn’t have fazed me much a year ago. A very casual and informal get together for my dear dear friend who is leavening to the UK soon. The more I work towards it, the more my heart is breaking. Again, piece by piece. Little by little. You know that feeling where you try to avoid something but can’t avoid the physical pain. I’m there with this. I feel it in the core of my actual heart.
The past couple of years have been playing down in the back of my mind over the last week and I can’t help but wonder how did it take me so long to notice this magnificent woman and now she is leaving. How have I missed two maybe even longer years of friendship with this person? Right under my nose. How was I such a bad judge of character? Not that I didn’t like her, not at all, I just didn’t see her. I mean she’s always been here, for so long! How did it take me so long to see this treasure and now that I finally found her she is leaving. I’m broken about this!
I’m sad. I don’t want to continue a life without her just being here, around the corner. She’s been so much more than just a friend! Mentor is an understatement! I’m planning to say good-bye to someone I’m not ready to say good- bye to and someone that where I can say “we truly didn’t get enough time!” It’s not fair!
Sometimes we wish for something, plan for something but we get a different outcome. We get the opposite of what we seek. Sometimes we get answers quicker than expected.
Although I’ve decided to take time to pause, this pause has caused me to realize that although life moves forward and we carry on, there are losses in life that we can never get back.
Sometimes, who knows why, when good things come to an end we are left with an emptiness inside, but we have to push through and trust God to fill that gap with more of Him. More of what He wants. More of what He sees and more of what His plan concludes.
I don’t regret taking a pause. I don’t regret what God is showing me. I do realize though, that to live life to the full in each moment, we need to make the most of where we are today. We do not know what tomorrow might bring.
I have no doubt that my future is exactly on its way to where it is supposed to go! I know it will be good. Positive.
I trust. I believe. I will treasure this time. I will keep it safe in my heart.
For now I know God is busy setting a new journey in front of us. Especially me. He is working a way towards something I can’t understand until I’m obedient, but I will trust.
So I can find myself in a good place knowing that God’s best interests are my growing future, even though growth can mean brokenness and sadness at times.
I’m a little heartbroken.
I feel NOT READY.
I say if God is for me, who can be against me? Bring it on!